I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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