all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
