READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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