i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
