She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This is the high leading the old right now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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