If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
