Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.