she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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