Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Success! We fucked roommates!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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