Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
