omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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