i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
