That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
