just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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