I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
