Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
