those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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