had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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