I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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