If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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