You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
