You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
