I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
