HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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