btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
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I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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