I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
