The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
