I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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