Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
