I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
