Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
