I cannot find my penis.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
