Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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