Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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