ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
