if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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