Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
