we have officially lost it.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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