if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just found puke in my bra..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
