1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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