I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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