We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
