mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
