she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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