tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
