make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
