I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
