break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
