you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.