Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
