it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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