ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
