i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
