New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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