At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
