I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
