Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
